First, the classic. Hellllooooooo Cleveland! We’re Hurrah Torpedo!

And now, it’s the Literal Video Version:

And finally, Lin Yu Chun and the one and only Shat:

• Iraq shoe thrower’s sentence cut to one year

Better to be in an Iraqi prison with the whole world knowing you’re the shoe-thrower than in as just some guy. But still, better to be on a beach somewhere.

OK, on to bikes and not-bikes. The first one is applicable to lots of places other than Portland:

• Why should the City of Portland invest in bicycling?

And this one is just dumb. Note to GM and Segway: there’s already a two-wheeled vehicle out there that’s cheaper and doesn’t require any energy source you weren’t born with. Also, people who use them tend to develop hot-looking asses. I’m just sayin.

• GM Shows Why It Shouldn’t Get Bailout – Wrong 2 Wheel Thinking

I promised you a zombie the other day, and it’s not even an Easter joke:

• Hundreds arrive to see ‘dead’ man

It was believed Ntsente had been shot dead in 2001 during taxi-related violence between the Ncedo and Border taxi associations.

Ntsente claims the gunmen were in white minibus taxi – and that he saw it all happening. “During the shooting I saw myself standing on another side watching a person who resembled me being shot in the forehead, right knee stomach and spine.”

Ntsente said his badly injured “duplicate” was taken to St Barnabas Hospital in Libode . “I witnessed this person dying. The body was taken to the hospital’s mortuary where (it was) cut open to remove internal organs before it was kept in a fridge.”

Ntsente claims he even witnessed his night vigil and funeral and was then taken by “four female witches” to a dark forest where he met “lots of other abducted people”.

“We mostly drank blood and ate izinsipa (used sorghum) and wild berries. I was released after witches said I was too powerful for them to make me do evil things,” he said.

Assorted other mayhem:

• Metairie man says stranger chewed, swallowed after taking bite out of his arm
• Lenin gets it in the end
• Sword attacker sliced off victim’s left hand

A MAN who had just had his hand severed with a samurai sword punched his attacker in the face with the stump, a court heard yesterday.

And two more cases of robbery fail:

• Automatic door thwarts woman’s attempted $1,200 theft at Schnucks
• Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails

Monkey madness at the famed OHSU Primate Research Center (that’s monkey torturing, for those of you without a translator):

• 9 Monkeys Recaptured After OHSU Escape

Suicide squirrel:

• Squirrel leaves Navy base incommunicado

But here at home, one naval installation has discovered a new menace, capable of knocking out key communications in a matter of seconds.

However, this particular hazard doesn’t involve suicide bombers, long-range missiles, space weapons, or even explosives. Indeed, this latest threat can be found in most backyards, or any other wooded area. It typically weighs a pound—or less—and belongs to the Sciuridae family.

We’re referring to the common tree squirrel, and last Saturday night, one of the furry rodents disrupted phone service at Virginia’s Yorktown Naval Weapons Station. Four days later, “land line” phones at the base still aren’t working, making communications difficult.

And now, this:

• Customs says art was framed with marijuana

Piracy fail:

• Pirates attacking German ship captured off Somalia

In the attack on the German ship, pirates apparently mistook German FGS Spessart supply vessel for a commercial ship when they opened fire on it on Sunday afternoon, U.S. Navy 5th Fleet spokesman Lt. Nate Christensen said.

The German sailors returned fire and pursued the skiff while also calling in for support. Several naval ships — including a Greek and a Dutch frigate, a Spanish warship and the USS Boxer — sped to the area while a Spanish marine aircraft and two U.S. Marine Cobra helicopters joined the pursuit.

Robbery fail:

• ‘Dumb’ thief picks police summit

Assassination fail:

• FARC guerillas fail in bid to kill defence minister after spelling mistake

Bomb threat fail:

• Sea Shepherd Bomb Threat Phoned in By Drunk Fisherman

Kenneth James Archer admitted to calling in the threat because of a “dispute” with the crew members of Sea Shepherd. Police tracked him down because he made the call to the police from his cell phone.

Archer had been drinking at the time and was embarrassed by the whole ordeal. In court, the judge recognized this and issued a fine of $1,500 as the only punishment.

More animal mayhem:

• Runaway kangaroos on the loose in France

“We had 15 missing kangaroos — it was complete panic,” she told AFP.

Firefighters, police and gendarmes were mobilised to track down the animals as they bounded through the woods.

Another cannibal:

• Cannibal mum eats her chum

• Monkey ‘kills cruel owner with coconut thrown from tree’

Leilit Janchoom, 48, had employed the monkey to pick coconuts which he could then sell for around 4p each.

The animal – named Brother Kwan – found the work tedious and strenuous but Mr Janchoom refused to let him rest, dishing out beatings if he refused to climb trees.

It is believed that the monkey eventually snapped, and targeted his owner from a high branch with one of the hard-skinned fruits.

• Police seize 1,200 pounds of pot in spinach cans
• Man says he moved pot plants to keep burglars away

And more ALF stuff:

• 10 Easy Ways to Be Labeled a “Terrorist” by the Government

10.) Sabotage corporate property.
9.) Fall in love with an FBI agent.
8.) Attend vegan potlucks.
7.) Protect your privacy.
6.) Beat the good ol’ boys at their own game.
5.) Stop the symbolism.
4.) Be vocal and unapologetic.
3.) Go after their money.
2.) Get to their root of the problem.
1.) Be effective.

• Animal terrorist group foiled by informant dressed as a beagle

Radford, who is now based in Gran Canaria, believes the intelligence he provided from the ALF’s headquarters at a cottage in Hampshire helped the police to target its leaders and protect potential victims.

In a series of trials in recent months, four of the “godfathers” of animal extremism who were befriended by Radford have been jailed.

• German Navy hands over suspected pirates to Kenya
• One step forward

Still having repercussions, though:

• Sea piracy causes 50% decline in fish production

This bunch got away with it because they’re not off of Somalia:

• Pirates hijack trawler, kill 3 crewmen off Basilan Island

And now on to Animal Liberation Front action. If you don’t know about the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, you should check it out.

• 2 Animal Rights Activists Arrested as “Terrorists” for Freeing Mink in Utah
• Snitch Hunt

The critical step in this process is for law enforcement to use what little evidence they have to scare the living hell out of those arrested. They use threats of outlandish prison sentences and terrorism rhetoric in order to create government informants, or snitches. They then continue that pattern of threats and fear-mongering with each subsequent arrestee, until they have enough to move forward with a case. This snitch-based model of police work (as opposed to gathering evidence, witnesses and leads) is notoriously unreliable and often illegal.

Here’s another activist going to jail, this time for driving a nice old lady to her house:

• Bull Connor lives! TVA watchdogs arrested, harassed
• Activist arrested at coal ash site

And then there’s this:

• Fringe group of enviros vandalizing homes, cars

And finally, I don’t know why I’m so enamored of these animal attack stories lately. Probably because they’re awesome:

• Maine skiers warned about late-night owl attacks

• The Inflection Is Near?

Let’s today step out of the normal boundaries of analysis of our economic crisis and ask a radical question: What if the crisis of 2008 represents something much more fundamental than a deep recession? What if it’s telling us that the whole growth model we created over the last 50 years is simply unsustainable economically and ecologically and that 2008 was when we hit the wall — when Mother Nature and the market both said: “No more.”

Too bad he couldn’t have seen this before it all crashed. It’s not like no one had thought of it before. But what’s done is done, and now the question is whether he takes a productive role in fixing the mess he promoted or just gets a big head because he thinks he’s thunk of something new.

And speaking of ideas from unlikely sources, here’s a Vatican slant on women’s lib:

• Washing machine liberated women most?

It sounds like a spoof or just plain condescension, but as our economy comes tumbling down, we should remember how much of the good life is built on technologies we take for granted.

On the other hand, returning to savage nature sounds pretty awesome too:

• Captive Chimp Found Planning Attacks on Zoo Visitors

A chimpanzee at Sweden’s Furuvik Zoo has been observed chipping at concrete to create discs to throw at visitors. He even made weapons at night to throw at visitors when the zoo opens in the morning.

• Kangaroo intruder terrorizes sleeping family

“My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it’s a lunatic ninja coming through the window. It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in,” Beat Ettlin told local media Monday.

And on to the food we eat and how we get it. This promises to be the start of an interesting piece:

• Immokalee Diary, part I: The human cost of industrial tomatoes

This is an interesting story about the disappearing bees. Ever since the global warming connection got scrubbed, no one has really picked up the story again. There’s still no agreement on just what’s happening, but it’s not the novel experience it’s been made out to be. And it still looks like some of the causes are environmental or related to the treatment of the bees:

• ‘No proof’ of bee killer theory

And finally, I’ve been buying some seeds, and I plan to help my friends dig up their yards for victory gardens. Apparently it’s all the rage:

• Seed companies have a bumper crop of customers

During one campaign appearance, Obama recalled that his mother had died of cancer and said he saw no difference between doctor-prescribed morphine and marijuana as pain relievers. He told an interviewer in March that it was “entirely appropriate” for a state to legalize the medical use of marijuana “with the same controls as other drugs prescribed by doctors.”

This fish is called psychedelica, but only for its appearance- don’t bother trying to lick one:

• Psychedelic fish ‘is new species’

And finally, more octopus rebellion:

• Octopus sets off flood at aquarium

Atlantis… not yours:

• Atlantis revealed at last… or just a load of old Googles?

‘In this case, however, what users are seeing is an artifact of the data collection process.

‘Bathymetric (sea-floor) data is often collected from boats using sonar to take measurements of the sea-floor.

‘The lines reflect the path of the boat as it gathers the data.’

Sea Shepherd boarded by Australian police, video footage seized:

• Police swoop on protest ship

After violent clashes with Japanese whalers in the Southern Ocean, the Steve Irwin was met by Australian Federal Police when it docked in Hobart about 5.30pm.

The police, who had search warrants, kept the crew on board as they searched cabins.

Steve Irwin captain Paul Watson said he was not told whether the police action stemmed from a complaint by the Australian Government or from the Japanese.

Nothing to do with anything, but of interest to the naval nerds:

• ‘Superguns’ of Elizabeth I’s navy

And of course, pirates. The first one has video of pirates shooting at a ship.

• African pirate attacks ‘spreading’
• Somali pirate patrol: Day one
• NATO planning new anti-piracy mission off Somalia
• Somalia to create maritime corridor to fight piracy – ambassador

Mohammed Mahmud Handule said at a RIA Novosti news conference that the Somali government had already worked out the legal and technical issues involved in opening the corridor.

“The new [Somali] government will rigorously work on this [problem of piracy],” he said. “We want to create a corridor where from Point A all ships will be put in groups of 5-7, and then our friends, including Russia, will escort them to Point B. Vessels not travelling through that corridor will be considered pirates or poachers.”

• Saudi monarch credited with ‘radical, fundamental changes’

Worried about the collapse of civilization? Concerned that Kyoto is too little, too late? Overwhelmed by feelings of doom and gloom? Here’s a new take on the standard story of humans consuming themselves to death:

• Easter Island’s Controversial Collapse: More To The Story Than Deforestation?

“Societies don’t just go into a tailspin and self-destruct,” says Stevenson, an archaeologist at the Virginia Department of Historic Resources. “They can and do adapt, and they emerge in new ways. The key is to put more back into the system than is taken out.”

While evidence suggests the Rapa Nui people cut down 6,000,000 trees in 300 years, for example, they were also developing new technological and agricultural practices along the way—such as fertilization techniques to restore the health of the soil and rock gardens to protect the plants. As a result, every rock on Easter Island has probably been moved three or four times, Stevenson said.

What they don’t say is that it’s any fun to live through this sort of adjustment. I wouldn’t take it as an excuse to let things go to shit.

Here’s someone with some political courage. It’ll be interesting to see who attacks him for this:

• Holder: U.S. a ‘nation of cowards’ on race discussions

How does all this stimulus money affect things I care about?

• Stimulus Bill Is a Step Forward for Pedestrians, Cyclists & Cities
• Compromise on stimulus bill gives NASA $1 billion
• Extra NASA funds: An initial step towards gap reduction options/extension

Tales of crime:

• Woman uses headlock, wedgie to thwart burglary
• Goat breaks into home, eats cake

Things that fall from the sky:

• Lights in the sky meteors, not space junk
• Jersey City UFO mystery solved: It’s another flying ‘tooth’

And things that go up into the sky:

• NASA and ESA Prioritize Outer Planet Missions