The Rites of Dysnomia
As First Performed At The Housewarming Of Cabaret Brainwash
by pdx0 and friends
Dysnomia is the daughter and moon of Eris. She represents the spirit of lawlessness. There’s no evidence that the Greeks worshipped her in any way; she was more of a philosophical or poetic conceit. Therefore, this may be the first rite ever held in her honor. How’s it feel to be a pioneer?
Step 1:
Announce a party. Promise everyone a lavish invocation of Dysnomia.
Step 2:
Blow off planning any rites until the last possible minute. Hastily scribble some notes on an envelope the day of the party.
Step 3:
Get stoned and forget.
Step 4:
When a drunken party-goer reminds you about the Rites, first say, “Oh shit!” Then hurriedly grab your silly hat, two or three dollars, a joint and whatever other ceremonial crap you require.
Step 5:
Stand on a milk crate and focus the attention of the party upon yourself. Depending on your condition, and that of your guests, this may be done by whistling, ringing a bell, or shouting “Heeey yooouuuu guuuyyyssss!!!!”
Step 6:
Loudly proclaim,
All hail Dysnomia!
Your guests will probably shout a bunch of meaningless drivel in return. This is good.
Step 7:
Light the joint, take a good deep hit, and pass it. While it’s going around, take a dollar bill from your pocket and light it on fire. Invite your guests to step up and burn their own money. Many will be too afraid or too greedy, so burn another bill or two to encourage them. If no one goes along, call them a bunch of wankers, cancel the rite and get really drunk instead. But not to worry- someone will probably join you.
Step 8:
Once you’ve broken the ice with a bit of lawlessness, you may intone,
Now we will confess our crimes.
Start it off yourself with a good strong confession. For example:
I blockaded a logging road by attaching myself to half a ton of cement.
Step 9:
Look meaningfully at the person to your right, or your left, or someone you know is likely to have a good story. Let everyone in the room take turns admitting their crimes. Everyone’s got ‘em. Maybe they smuggle cocaine or burn down suburban developments, or maybe they just steal office supplies or run stop signs. The point is not whether the action is moral or immoral, ethical or unethical. It’s not whether they’ve gotten caught (although arrests often make good stories, narrow escapes from the law are better.) It’s simply whether they’ve violated the law.
Step 10:
Keep it going. Don’t worry about going in order. Do try to keep people from interrupting and stepping on each other’s confessions- use a talking stick if you have to.
Step 11:
It’s OK for there to be pauses as people think of more stories or reflect on what they’ve heard, but don’t let the energy fade away. When it looks like things are winding down, use your bell (or whistle, or voice, or whatever) to focus the group back on you. Be sure to thank everyone and tell them how great they’ve been. People eat that shit up.
Step 12:
Proclaim again,
All hail Dysnomia!
When the responses die down, intone the mystic phrase:
Shiny! Let’s be bad guys!
Now you’re done.
Step 13:
Gather the roach and the ashes of the dollar bills and save them in a little jar. You can put them on your shrine or something. Also, you can smoke the roach if you ever run out.